


and right from the start (you know I got you)

by feelslikehxme



Series: where do broken hearts go? [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Canon Compliant, Cheating, Cheating Harry, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Getting Back Together, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Love Triangles, M/M, Pining, Romantic Friendship, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Louis Tomlinson, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:48:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23627932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feelslikehxme/pseuds/feelslikehxme
Summary: It feels like a giant weight being lifted off of Louis’ shoulders. The idea of him and Zayn being off on their own, without having to pretend that they’re something that they’re not. He needs it. He needs it more than anything. The opportunity to step out and prove that there was more to him than being Harry’s boyfriend. Than being someone who thought they met their soulmate at eighteen and was completely and utterly devastated to find out that it was all a lie. He wants to leave.Louis nods and smiles slightly when Zayn squeezes his hand reassuringly. This is going to be okay. Him and Zayn were going to do this right. He had brought it up again at the beginning of the tour, which led him and Zayn to coming up with an entire plan on how they’d leave. Only, Louis had changed his mind and decided he couldn’t go through with it. He’s loyal to the band, the fans, but now he’s going to think about himself. What he needs.And he needs to be free.-or, Louis finally learns how to put himself first.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Louis Tomlinson
Series: where do broken hearts go? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/429685
Comments: 20
Kudos: 79





	and right from the start (you know I got you)

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK FOUR YEARS.
> 
> I'm also so sorry for the ending. I promise part 3 will be up in less than 4 years. Preferably less than 6 months.
> 
> Thank you so much to all the solo louies and zouies who motivated me to get this finished. Special shoutout to Andy, Lucia, and Salsa for being the ones to revive me and this fic . They're the real ones. Also BIG thank u to Andy for editing and giving feedback for this.
> 
> playlist [here](https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/shadows-come-with-the-pain-that-youre-running-from/pl.u-3Y65SZVlxJp)

Here’s the thing:

It takes longer than four months to heal a broken heart. Louis’s sure. He wouldn’t know exactly, considering this is his first one, but it’s something to make him feel better as he’s stood next to Harry on the red carpet of the 2014 Brit Awards. It makes him feel less pathetic for still feeling his heart break a little more every time he steals a quick glance or accidentally brushes his hand against Harry’s own. _It helps him heal_.

Zayn is standing on the opposite side of him, taking quick glances at him every few seconds to make sure all the color was still in his face. It was, for now.

Award shows have always been one of the worst and best parts of being in the band for Louis. On the one hand, he didn’t mind dressing up every once in a while and having the opportunity to be in the same room as some of his idols. He loved the feeling of knowing that he’s done something of his life, that he’s good enough at _something_ , despite everything and everyone telling him otherwise. He loves being able to prove to every force that was against him that they were wrong.

Then again, he hated the idea of having to stand on _stage_ and speak for the band in front of the amount of people that attend these things. He didn’t necessarily _have_ to speak for the band when it came to award show speeches, but he always felt like he had to. He was unofficially the leader, the oldest. He had to take control.

He immediately pours himself a glass of champagne as soon as they’re inside and seated, thanking every higher power that he was seated in between Zayn and Liam. He could take time on the carpet next to Harry, but spending an entire award show ceremony seated beside him would have killed him. There was no possible way he would have been able to fake it. 

Zayn monitors his alcohol intake during the show, making sure Louis doesn’t have too much to drink while the cameras are rolling. Louis’ both annoyed and grateful for this, ultimately deciding that Zayn was smart for making sure Louis stayed mostly sober for the time being. That was the last headline he needed in the morning.

He stands up with the other boys when their names are called for the Global Success Award, smiling and hugging Zayn as they all go to walk up to the stage. At least, almost all of them. 

Louis realizes Harry’s not with them, nudging Zayn’s shoulder and raising an eyebrow. Zayn simply shrugs, just as confused as Louis and the other two are. This has never been something they’ve dealt with when they come to these, losing a member as soon as they get called up for an award. Even Louis and Zayn haven’t been irresponsible enough to disappear on something as important as the _Brit Awards_. 

Louis sighs and stands alongside the other three on stage, slightly worried before Zayn starts to distract him. Louis grabs the award and pretends to hit him with it, glad that Liam’s decided to take on the award show speech for tonight. He couldn’t have promised that any coherent words would’ve made their way out of his mouth this time. 

Suddenly the crowd becomes louder and Louis frowns, staring out into the arena and rolling his eyes as he sees Harry running down the walkway. _Now_ he decides to show up. Always the one to make an entrance.

Harry makes his way onto the stage and Liam hands him the microphone. Louis shakes his head and watches as he looks at the award and starts speaking, only to pause and glance between Louis and Zayn.

“What did we win?” Harry asks and Louis stares at him in disbelief as the words leave his lips, shaking himself out of it when he remembers that they’re currently live to who knows how many viewers at this point. He didn’t have time for this.

Harry finishes his makeshift speech after he figures out which award they won and the five of them all get off stage, Louis and Zayn trailing behind the rest.

Louis can’t recall how many glasses of wine he has after that, only remembering that he was _tipsy_ \- not drunk - enough to write a sign calling Zayn a twat on the carpet right after the show while messing around with the giant statue of a Brit Award. 

Though, when he’s in the car with Zayn prior to the after party, he’ll finally admit that maybe he _was_ drunk. He doesn’t really remember how many drinks it took to get him there, but he’ll accept it. He’ll also accept the feeling of Zayn’s lips on his neck as they’re on their way back to his place, running his fingers through Zayn’s hair, which went from perfectly styled to messy within only an hour of the party. 

_‘This is irresponsible’_ He thinks, but at the same time, he pushes his hips up against Zayn’s, desperate for more friction. It’s been five months of Louis and Zayn sneaking around and hooking up behind everyone else’s back, which means it’s been five months of Louis feeling guilty, yet also relieved that he at least has Zayn to help him take his mind off of the mess that has been his life.

Zayn grinds his hips down, which emits a moan from Louis’s lips. Louis eagerly pushes Zayn’s jacket off, his button up being the next victim. 

Louis trails his fingers up the front of Zayn’s shirt, only for the mood to be ruined by Zayn’s phone going off. Zayn pulls away from a disappointed Louis quickly, sitting back and grabbing his phone out of his pocket. He checks it before sighing and mouthing ‘ _Perrie’,_ answering the phone and giving Louis an apologetic look.

Louis sighs and sits back up, running a hand through his hair and taking his own phone out. He ignores the missed calls from Liam and only glances over the drunk texts from Niall, taking short glances at Zayn as he speaks to Perrie.

As much of a contract bound relationship Zayn and Perrie were, Louis found himself almost feeling bad for doing whatever this was with Zayn behind her back. They weren’t together and he _knows_ there were no genuine feelings between Perrie and Zayn, but there’s still a slight sense that Louis was messing with something that he probably shouldn’t be. 

The thought, however, quickly fades away as Zayn hangs up and leans back over to kiss Louis’ neck. He doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol in his system or his need to feel wanted, but he simply finds himself relaxing into Zayn’s hold and allowing himself to be relieved of any stress or tension he’s found himself in.

He finds a certain kind of comfort in Zayn’s arms, one he has only ever felt with one other person before. That one person will remain unnamed, for his own sanity. For now, he’s just going to focus on the way Zayn’s lips feel on his collarbones and pretend this isn’t as reckless as the small voice in the back of his head is saying it is.

* * *

It’s not uncommon for Louis to wake up next to Zayn in the morning anymore. In fact, it’s almost become a daily thing with the two of them. He can’t deny that a lot of it was them getting high and hooking up, but there was the occasional night of them just laying with each other and basking in each other’s company. It made him feel safe. 

He felt _needed_ , instead of needy. 

Louis glances over at Zayn, who was still in a deep sleep. He smiles softly and leans over to brush Zayn’s now messy hair out of his face, pulling his hand back slowly when he’s met with a soft noise that he can only make out to be Zayn mumbling incoherent nonsense.

“Lou,” Zayn mutters, turning over and wrapping his arm around Louis’ waist. Louis doesn’t have time to fully process what’s happening until Zayn pulls him in. He smiles softly and leans into Zayn more, relaxing into his warmth. “Stay.”

“M’right here, Zee,” Louis says, tracing his fingers along the cable on Zayn’s microphone tattoo. He glances down at him and laughs softly when he sees Zayn smiling. “Just wake up already.”

Zayn groans and squints his eyes open, looking up at Louis. “It’s early.” 

Louis glances at the clock on his nightstand and raises an eyebrow when he sees 1:43PM displayed across the screen. He’s actually kind of impressed they managed to sleep in that late. He’s pretty sure that’s a new record for them.

“It’s past noon.”

“What’s your point?”

Louis shakes his head and grins, turning over so he’s facing Zayn. “We are gonna have to get up and be productive members of society at some point, you know.”

“We do enough of that in the band. Can’t we just stay in bed today and pretend we don’t have any responsibilities?”

“You make a compelling argument,” Louis says, grabbing the blanket and pulling it up further. They have nowhere to be, no one to impress. They could stay here for the entire day and no one would even know they were here. Just them, together. It feels like it’s all Louis needs right now.

Zayn smiles. “So it’s settled, an entire day of us being lazy as fuck and not doing anything.”

Louis opens his mouth to respond, only to be cut off by his phone ringing. He sighs and turns over, reaching over to check the caller id. He rolls his eyes when he sees Liam’s name pop up on the screen, debating on if he wants to answer before sliding over the decline call button. He didn’t want to deal with it right now. Like Zayn, this was their day to just fuck around and be as lazy as they wanted without any interruptions.

He starts to turn back over, groaning when he hears his phone go off for the second time. This time he grabs it, answering it and sitting up.

“What do you want, Liam?” He asks, laying back into his pillow and making faces at Zayn.

“Where are you?”

“At home. Where I should be. Why?”

“Because we have a meeting in fifteen minutes about the tour and you’re not here yet.”

Louis’ face drops. Fuck. He forgot about that.

He puts his phone on speaker and sets it on the nightstand, getting up and going over to his dresser. Rummaging through his drawers, he grabs a pair of sweatpants and pulls them on. “I’m on my way now, Payno. Don’t worry about it.” He’s lying, but he knows it’s what Liam needs to hear.

“I don’t believe you. I’ll keep the team distracted till you get here. Tell Zayn to get over here, too. I know you’re together.”

Louis makes a face, mocking Liam before replying. “He’s not here-”

“Hey Liam,” Zayn says, getting up and grabbing his t-shirt from the floor. He pulls it on over his head, standing up and running a hand through his hair. Louis looks back, frowning at him. What’s the point of lying if he’s just going to ruin it anyways. “We’re gonna be there soon, promise.”

He hears Liam sigh through the phone. “Alright.” 

Liam always did trust Zayn’s word over Louis’. As much as he wants to take offense to it, he knows it’s most likely for the better. Zayn was a lot better at doing what he said he was going to do.

“Don’t stress out. I know you are,” Louis says, going over to grab his phone and hanging up before Liam has the chance to respond. He’ll get shit for that later, but he’ll deal with it when the time comes. “So much for a lazy day.”

Zayn shrugs and pulls his jeans on, glancing over at Louis. “Raincheck?”

Louis pouts but nods, pulling a hoodie over his head and shoving his phone in his pocket. He’s gonna be completely honest, he forgot about the tour. They had about two months until it began, less than two until they’d be stuck in rehearsals for about a week and a half. 

He could deal with the lack of sleep and the constant work if not for the fact that tour meant almost six months of having to share the same space with Harry every night. Six months of having to pretend that everything was okay so that no one would call him out and claim that something was wrong. There’s a trend every time one of them is even sick, he can only imagine what would happen if someone noticed the tension between him and Harry and pointed it out to everyone else.

It’s not clear which one is harder, yet. Pretending that he wasn’t madly in love with Harry in front of the cameras or pretending that he doesn’t want to freeze up everytime he walks into a room and Harry’s standing there. After almost five months, you’d think he would have figured it out, but it’s all still a mystery to him.

Zayn places a hand on his shoulder as they walk out to his car, almost as if he can tell exactly what Louis was thinking. Louis lets out a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding, smiling softly at Zayn and getting into the car silently. 

* * *

It’s tour season. Louis fucking hates tour season.

It’s not that he hates touring, he _loves_ seeing new places and getting to perform songs that he wrote. Hearing fans _sing_ the songs he wrote. That’s the best part of all of this. 

The issue is that tour season comes with being overworked, stressed out and constantly harassed by reporters and interviewers that can’t take two seconds to actually do their research and figure shit out before they ask questions. 

At least, that’s how Louis sees it. He just assumes everyone else feels the same.

It doesn’t help that the last time the band was on tour, he had found out that his boyfriend of three years had cheated on him and lied about it. Or that the only reason he even found out was because his _sister_ had seen the pictures online and told him. He won’t even add in how it hurt him enough to make him want to go to an entirely different country just so he could get his head in order and figure out what the ever living _fuck_ he was supposed to do now. 

None of that helps at all. Yet, here he was, walking into the conference room like everything was fine and pretending that the feelings of even being in the same room as his ex-boyfriend didn’t bother him at all. 

First up was South America, landing them all in Colombia for the press conference to kick off the start of the tour. Louis fucking hates these. 

Though, Louis’ always been good at the whole interview thing. He may not be as naturally charming as Harry, or as bouncy as Niall, but he knew how to talk. He knew how to make people feel important, even if he was sitting there taking the piss out of them. He was a people person, even if he was a little shit about it sometimes. 

He sits at the seat at the end of the press conference table, frowning when it’s Liam who sits beside him instead of Zayn. Not that he has anything against Liam, he’s like a brother to him, but it’s so much easier to focus and know how to answer which questions when Zayn’s the one beside him. It was like he silently put Louis at ease just by being near him.

Louis watches as Zayn sits two seats down from him, Harry being the one to sit in the next seat beside Liam and Niall taking his place at the opposite end. Louis sighs and sits up straight while the reporters begin to speak Spanish, glancing at Liam and smirking slyly before leaning over to twist his nipple through his shirt.

Liam makes a slightly pained noise and swats at Louis’ hand, to which Louis grins and sits back with a satisfied expression. Liam leans over to get his revenge, but Louis catches him before he can make the move, reaching an arm over and twisting Liam’s nipple again.

He leans forward before Liam can do anything about it, muttering a quick, “Yes, absolutely, I agree,” even though he can’t understand a word of what anyone was saying. It gets a pleasant reaction, though, as the other boys and the reporters laugh while he silently praises himself for getting away with it.

The press conference begins quickly after that, all of the reporters going through their questions as efficiently as they can manage. Louis recognizes one of the reporters as a writer for the Sun and he makes a face, turning to Liam and pointing him out as discreetly as he can manage.

“Our pal Dan has made it to South America, Payno,” Louis whispers and Liam glances in the direction that Louis had nodded in before rolling his eyes and shoving Louis’ shoulder. “Oi, watch it,” he says, shoving Liam back and laughing softly. “Pay attention.”

Liam scoffs and shoves his shoulder once more before turning back to the room of reporters and answering the question that had been asked. Louis has to admit, he has no idea what that exact question was, but it was most likely something along the lines of _“who’s your celebrity crush”,“if you could have any superpower, what would it be?”_ , or any other management approved question that they had heard a million times prior.

It’s only when Dan gets his turn to ask a question that Louis sits up the straightest he’d been the whole press conference, interested in what bullshit he’d be spewing this time around. He flew all the way to South America for this, so it had to be something special.

“Will you be bringing anyone out with you on the tour?” Dan asks and Louis raises an eyebrow, knowing the direction he’s trying to take that question. Liam must notice it as well, because he turns to look at Louis as if he’s waiting to see where he’s going to take this.

“Friends, yes. Of course our families as well,” Louis answers, grinning from the satisfaction of not feeding into what Dan wants. He knows where this was supposed to go, and he knows Dan was pushing him to bring up Eleanor coming out to see him. Of course, she would be, but Louis refuses to play into whatever game this was supposed to be.

“But what about girlfriends?” Dan presses and Louis sighs, putting on the fakest smile he can muster up.

“Of course they’ll be coming out at some point. Then you can write about that! Yay!” He exclaims sarcastically, earning an annoyed look from Dan. He spots Liam smiling out of the corner of his eye and he grins, tapping his fingers on the table and watching as another reporter is being called on.

Zayn comes up to Louis when the press conference is over, wrapping his arm around his shoulder and grinning. “You’re gonna get shit for that girlfriend comment,” he says. 

Louis shrugs and smiles, walking out the building beside Zayn and going down to the car waiting for them in the back. They wanted a comment, so he gave them a comment. What could they possibly yell at him for? Sure, he may have added a tiny bit of sarcasm into it, but Dan had it coming.

“Nothing I haven’t handled before, my dear Zaynie,” Louis says, grinning. Zayn grimaces at the nickname, taking his arm off Louis and shoving him away.

“Shut up,” he mumbles, running a hand through his hair. Louis laughs and nudges his shoulder, grinning. “You're the worst.”

“You love it,” Louis says, sticking his tongue out and following Zayn. Zayn shakes his head and laughs, shoving Louis once again before wrapping his arm back around Louis’ waist.

“That’s what I let you think,” he tells him, smiling slightly as he says it. Louis rolls his eyes, but smiles anyways, ignoring the glances he can feel Harry throwing at them as they walk down the hall. He’s been having to do a lot of that lately, ignoring Harry’s stares.

It almost always happens when he’s with Zayn, but there’ll be the occasional ‘pity stare’ from across the room when Louis’ on his own. He can’t say it doesn’t bother him, but he’s at a point where he doesn’t want to start anything anymore. So he just decided to leave it be and not give Harry the satisfaction of knowing it gets his attention. 

Besides, if there’s anything Zayn’s become really good at, it’s been taking Louis’s mind off all the annoying shit Harry’s done at the end of the day.

* * *

They’re a month into the tour and Louis feels like he’s losing his mind. 

For the past four years, he has been notorious for saying things without thinking about the consequences of saying these things. The most famous examples of this come in the forms of “ _I like girls who eat carrots_ ” and “ _No! Jimmy Protested_ ”. The simple thought of eighteen year old Louis saying these things makes him want to smash his head under a rock, regretting the stupidity that came out his mouth every day then. 

The thing is, though, is that he hasn’t outgrown it. _At all._

When you’ve been in a closeted relationship since you were sixteen and eighteen, you learn how to act in ways that make people think nothing’s going on. For example, Harry and Louis know how to act in a way that makes it look like nothing’s wrong. Like nothing’s ever been wrong. 

Only, Louis’ heart crumbles a little bit more every time his name even leaves Harry’s lips. It’s a good thing he knows how to pretend it doesn't, because the last thing he needs is the whole world knowing that his heart is still healing from the way that Harry dropped and shattered it months ago. 

“I’m gonna ask you about something that I wanna ask you about, because I wanna know what you’re gonna say,” Liam asks Louis as they’re standing on stage in the middle of Twitter questions. Louis holds his microphone up and glances quickly at Zayn before looking back at Liam. “What _flavour_ is Harry?”

Louis pauses for a minute. Then he opens his mouth. His head is going, “ _what the fuck Liam?_ ”, but both fortunately and unfortunately, that’s not what comes out of his mouth.

“Uhhh,” he hesitates, taken off-guard. “Salt and vinegar?” He doesn’t even need to look at Harry to know the expression that’s on his face, and it makes him regret his answers a little bit less. “I was trying to think of something inventive, but that was just the first flavour that came to me.”

His demeanor on the outside is calm, but on the inside, there’s an abundance of danger sirens going off, reminding him of what a bad idea that was. This is gonna be talked about. A lot. And right now, he wants to kill Liam for putting him in that position in the first place. 

He _gets_ that things are supposed to seem all normal and fine between each and every one of them, but there could have been _so_ many other ways to have them portray that without Louis making a complete fool out of himself. Fucking Liam.

It really comes back and bites him in the ass when they find themselves backstage after the show, Harry grabbing his arm as soon as they’re out of sight from the fans. Louis’ taken by surprise, turning to face him and raising an eyebrow. He pulls his arm away and steps back, crossing his arms and waiting for an explanation as to why Harry thinks he has any right to grab Louis without his consent.

“What was that?” Harry asks. Louis stares at him before realizing he means the salt and vinegar comment. Figures. 

He shrugs, trying to hide the discomfort in his voice as he speaks. He opts for snarky instead. “What did you want me to say? Peaches and cream?” He snaps back, glancing around and silenting swearing to himself when he remembers that Zayn had gone ahead of him. He needs to learn how to keep this buddy system up to par. To avoid shit like this happening. 

Harry starts to speak, but Louis simply rolls his eyes and walks away before he has the chance. He hurries out to the bus where Zayn was most likely waiting for him, muttering swears under his breath. He needed to be fucked right now. In any context. 

Zayn looks up at him when he’s back on the bus and the look on his face already says _‘sorry I left you with your cheating asshole ex-boyfriend’._

Louis immediately forgives him.

“You suck. Just need to get that off my chest.” 

Zayn smiles softly. “I’ll take it. Sorry.” 

Louis shakes his head and sits on the sofa beside Zayn, grabbing one of the Xbox controllers and tossing another on Zayn’s stomach. Zayn makes a soft sound a discomfort before grabbing the controller and sitting up straight, glancing over at Louis.

“Did he say anything?” Zayn asks, starting their game and keeping his eyes on the screen.

Louis shrugs, sitting back. “Was just annoyed about how I answered Liam’s stupid ass question. Not that I care.” That was almost the truth. He doesn’t want to care about what Harry thinks. He surely doesn’t want to give a single shit about any of Harry’s feelings. That’s what he _wants_. Only, it’s been over half a year since everything went down and he still can’t help but let his suppressed feelings for Harry peek out every once in a while.

He’s always hated disappointing Harry. Whether together or not, he still cared about what he thought about him and he didn't know how to let it go. He’s been working to impress Harry since he was an insecure eighteen year old and he can’t just...forget anything ever happened. Harry was a part of him, whether he liked it or not. He was always going to want to please him in some way. He hated it.

Zayn notices Louis getting wrapped up in his thoughts and quickly nudges him. “Harry can fuck off. He can’t make you feel guilty for shit. I’ll tell him that, too.”

Louis rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “You don’t need to tell him anything.”

“If he’s gonna keep trying to manipulate you over dumb shit like this, then obviously I do.”

“It’s fine-”

“It’s _not_ fine. He’s the one who fucked _you_ over, Louis. Okay? He fucked up. He’s the asshole. Not you. He’s not allowed to take every little thing you do and try to use it against you. And if he’s not gonna stop, then I’ll make him stop.”

Louis doesn’t say anything to that. He just stares at the controller in his hand and sighs. He knows better than anyone that he can’t convince Zayn of anything once he’s made up his mind. He knows this because he’s the same exact way, which is why they’ve always gotten on so well. They know each other like they know themselves. 

Zayn stares at him and sighs quietly. “I’m just trying to protect you.”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

Louis looks up at him and nods. “I _know_ ,” he says again, with more confidence. It’s all Zayn’s been doing since the breakup, protecting him. 

It stays quiet for a moment, Louis playing with buttons of the controller. He takes a breath before looking back over at Zayn and speaking quietly. “Remember when you said we could leave the band?”

Zayn nods slowly, raising an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“What if we did?”

He expects the words to taste bitter as they leave his lips, but it all just feels numb. He’s been contemplating the idea since him and Zayn had originally joked about it the last tour, only the thoughts grew more and more serious as the days went on. He wasn’t _happy_ anymore. He doesn’t know how he can be happy all the while sharing a space with the person who ripped his heart in two. 

Louis can’t keep pretending that he’s okay singing songs about being madly in love on stage everyday when the person he wrote the words for wasn’t his anymore. The lyrics are just a constant reminder of what he had and what was ruined; _who_ had ruined it. He couldn’t do it for much longer. He knows he’s inching closer and closer to his breaking point the longer he forces himself to keep this act up.

“If you’re serious about this, Lou-”

“I’m serious. Dead serious.” Louis swallows. “I need to be away from him. I can’t get over what happened if I have all of this as a constant reminder.”

Zayn nods slowly, reaching over and grabbing Louis’s hand. “Let’s do it then. Me and you. Let’s leave.”

It feels like a giant weight being lifted off of Louis’ shoulders. The idea of him and Zayn being off on their own, without having to pretend that they’re something that they’re not. He needs it. He needs it more than anything. The opportunity to step out and prove that there was more to him than being Harry’s boyfriend. Than being someone who thought they met their soulmate at eighteen and was completely and utterly devastated to find out that it was all a lie. He wants to leave.

Louis nods and smiles slightly when Zayn squeezes his hand reassuringly. This is going to be okay. Him and Zayn were going to do this right. He had brought it up again at the beginning of the tour, which led him and Zayn to coming up with an entire plan on how they’d leave. Only, Louis had changed his mind and decided he couldn’t go through with it. He’s loyal to the band, the fans, but now he’s going to think about himself. What he needs.

And he needs to be free. 

* * *

Louis wakes up to Zayn throwing a pillow at his head. He’s not awake enough to tell if it was a harsh throw or a boredom one. A second one hits him, which has him leaning towards harsh. It’s too fucking early for this.

He throws the pillows in Zayn’s general direction, grabbing his phone off of the nightstand and scrunching his face in disgust as he sees the bright white _8:37AM_ time displayed on his lock screen. It was _way_ too fucking early for this.

“The video leaked,” is all Zayn says to him, shoving his phone in his face. “There’s no going back now.”

Louis squints at Zayn’s phone before shoving it out of his face and sitting up. He combs a hand through his hair, grabbing his own phone again and searching their names. There it was, in big blue letters on the first page of google.

**‘** **One Direction's Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson smoke roll-up in Peru and joke about drugs in shocking video that exposes dark side of squeaky clean boy band’**

“This was the worst idea you've ever had,” Zayn tells Louis as he sits down. “Genuinely. This is one hundred percent the worst fucking thing you’ve ever decided to do.” That’s a lie. Louis can think of at least three other things he’s done that were worse than this. Falling in love at eighteen with his bandmate was at the very top of that list.

He scoffs and looks up from his laptop, raising an eyebrow. “Yet who let me film them in the video? Huh?”

“You can't ask me things while I'm fucking baked, bro. I would have agreed to rob a bank with you if you asked,” Zayn replies, laying back in bed and covering his face with a pillow. Louis would say he’s exaggerating, but he can recall the time they got high and spent a solid four hours planning to break into Liam’s house. He doesn’t remember the reason why they had decided to do it, but he wants to say it had something to do with wanting to move all of his furniture slightly to the left to make everything feel out of balance. It was genius at the time. 

“Listen, when have I ever steered you wrong?” Louis asks him, his attention turning back to his laptop.

“When you wanted to explore Australia, and got us lost and mobbed by fans-”

“Yeah, but we got out of it, didn't we?”

“What about when you said we should steal one of the golf carts five minutes before Madison Square Garden-“

“That was still a sick show, mate.”

Zayn sighs and rolls his eyes. “You’ve got an answer for everything,” he says, throwing the pillow at Louis. Louis catches it, laughing. He throws the pillow back at Zayn, then freezes when he hears his phone go off and lights up with their management team’s number. “You’ve gone and fucked us over, haven’t you?”

Louis scoffs, flipping off Zayn and letting the phone go to voicemail. "We're fine,” he tells him, the lie slipping through his lips without missing a beat. He can’t actually promise that they’re gonna be fine, who the fuck knows what’s gonna happen after this, but if he says it out loud then maybe he’ll be right. He can’t let Zayn down.

His phone rings again and he sighs, grabbing it and shutting the ringer off. The call stops and his phone is lit up with notifications of texts, tweets, emails and more from too many people in his contacts. It’s overwhelming, but at the same time, Louis knows that there was a reason for this. He knows what they were doing this for.

Zayn’s kept his phone off and in his pocket the whole time, just watching as Louis ignores as his screen flashes white without even a minute passing by. Neither of them say anything as another call pops up, assuming it’s going to be their team, but Louis sees the name and frowns, grabbing the phone and hesitating over the answer button.

It’s Harry. 

Neither of them can say they thought about the other three boys when they’d planned this whole thing out. The goal was to piss off their team, to get their contract terminated once and for all so they could be on their merry way. This, however, was not part of that. Harry’s attention was not what Louis had thought through when he proposed the idea in the first place.

He swallows, then slides his finger over the answer button and holds the phone up to his ear. He doesn’t greet Harry, not that he was given any time to before Harry begins scolding him through the phone.

“What the _fuck_ did you just do, Louis? Is this some way of begging for attention, because you and Zayn don’t have to drag the rest of us down with you. How irresponsible could you be? Filming it? Really?”

Louis doesn’t say anything. He simply clutches the phone tighter and takes Harry’s words in, a sense of numbness coming over him. He can't handle it when Harry is disappointed in him.

Zayn immediately notices his discomfort and grabs the phone out of his hand. “Bye Harry,” he says, hanging up before Harry can respond and setting the phone down beside him. He stares at Louis, waiting for him to say something. Anything.

“Maybe he’s right.” It’s the only sentence that comes out, his thoughts crashing into each other as he repeats what Harry said over and over again. It processes, but at the same time it’s a mess of words he can’t understand. All he can feel right now is a sense of failure. All because Harry is disappointed.

“Don’t listen to him. The last thing he’s allowed to do right now is make you feel like shit,” Zayn tells him. 

Louis swallows hard and glances up at him, nodding slowly and holding his hand out for his phone. Zayn raises an eyebrow, but reluctantly hands Louis his phone back. 

The thing is, Zayn’s right, as much as Louis hates to admit it. In the four years that Louis has known Zayn, he’s never been wrong, and he’s sure right now wasn’t going to be any different. It wasn’t _fair_ that Harry was sitting here and scolding Louis for being irresponsible, not when all of Harry’s irresponsible moments seem to get swept under the rug.

Louis wasn’t going to let the boy who broke his heart have the upperhand. He wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing Louis still cared about what he thought. He was better than that. _Stronger_ than that.

He grabs his phone and ignores the notifications on his screen, going straight into messages and composing a new one.

**_To: Harry, 5:06pm_ **

_‘Fuck you.’_

It’s with a simple tap of the send button, that he suddenly feels relaxed, tossing his phone to the side and sitting back. He sighs and glances at Zayn, smiling softly. Zayn tosses another pillow at him, to which he catches and laughs quietly. 

“I’d be so fucking screwed without you.”

* * *

It’s been only a few days since the “weed video”, what the fans had dubbed it, has been circulating. Only a few days of Louis and Zayn ignoring the constant calls from their team, only to be met at their next soundcheck with an hour long lecture of how stupid they’d been and what consequences they would face. 

The video, though it caused drama, hadn’t achieved what Louis and Zayn had hoped it would. It was just another day, another headline. Louis had played it off as an unknown leak, causing the video to be taken down from numerous sites for “copyright”. Their team had been annoyed, but they had nothing to prove that Louis had gone and leaked the video himself, so they were let off the hook. They had basically just been sent off with a warning, no threat of a contract termination.

That just leaves the two of them having to figure out how the _hell_ they were meant to get out of the contract now. They considered doing it the right way, the legal way, but the last thing they want to do is make it seem like they were leaving out of malice. True, they were unhappy in the band and with the way things were, but they didn’t want that to reflect on the rest of the boys. Even Harry. The last thing Louis wants is _anyone_ thinking that him leaving the band was because of Harry. 

Even though it kind of was, but no one needs to actually know that. 

“How is it that you and Zayn manage to bring chaos with you everywhere you go?” Niall asks as they walk into the studio. Louis shrugs and smiles.

“No idea, but according to the Sun, you shouldn’t be speaking to me right now. You’re livid. You and H.” Niall laughs and Louis winks, sitting with Zayn at either edge of the sofa. He says it jokingly, but he thinks back to the irritated glances Harry had been sending him since he and Zayn had arrived. Had this been last week, Louis probably would’ve stormed out the room and ranted to Zayn about how much of a pain in the ass Harry was being about the entire thing. Now, though, he just shrugs it off and subtly flips off Harry so no one else can see. He’s learned it’s actually really satisfying to do so. 

“What happened?” Liam asks when he walks into the room. Louis glances over at him, drumming his fingers against his thigh. 

“Nothing to worry about, Payno,” Louis says, but he’s sure Liam doesn’t believe him. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, Liam’s still always worrying. The events over the past year haven’t helped either. Ever since the break up, he can tell Liam tends to hover over him a bit more. It sometimes gets annoying, but overall, Louis’s grateful for it. Especially when Zayn’s been busy and he’s needed someone to cling to when Harry walks into the room. It hasn’t been as bad lately, but he never knows anymore. 

Liam gives him a look, but eventually leaves it alone when Harry walks in. Liam’s patience with Harry had been on thin ice and Louis’ sure everyone else could tell. He’s not sure how noticeable it is to their fans, but Liam’s not done a great job of being subtle about it. 

Louis pats his shoulder and smiles slightly at him, an attempt to relieve any of the tension. He can’t say it works completely, but it’s enough to put him at ease as Julian and a couple of other producers walk into the room. He leans back and watches them, trying to ignore Harry’s glances towards him every few seconds. 

They were meant to be listening to a demo of a song Harry had written for the next album, which Louis really doesn’t want to be here for, but it was _insisted_ by their team that everyone go together as a “group bonding” exercise. Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. 

He sighs quietly and leans into Zayn once the song starts, frowning slightly as he listens to the lyrics. He hates this already.

Louis can’t say he’s surprised Harry wrote a song about breaking his heart, Harry writes songs about _everything_ , but he can say he’s surprised that he’s _this_ upset over it. It’s been months now, nearly a year, but listening to the song just floods him with all of the memories of everything that happened. It’s just a painful reminder of how many pieces Harry had shattered his heart into. How does anyone expect him to just sing along to it like every word isn’t breaking his heart all over again?

The demo finishes playing and everyone’s standing in silence, their eyes all on Louis, waiting for his reaction. Louis looks up hesitantly and it’s when he locks eyes with Harry’s that it completely breaks him. He shakes his head and rushes out the room, locking himself in the bathroom down the hall and sitting against the door.

It’s a few minutes later that he hears a knock at the door, and he assumes it’s Harry, trying to defend himself over the lyrics of the song. Defending himself for even suggesting Louis have _any_ part in singing a song about breaking his own heart. He runs a hand through his hair, wondering if the months apart have made Harry forget Louis’s personality or if he never really knew him in the first place. 

There’s another knock when Louis fails to respond to the first, but this time there’s a voice following it. 

“Louis, it’s me.” 

Louis sighs in relief when he recognizes the voice as Zayn’s, standing up and opening the door slowly. Zayn pulls him into a hug as soon as he sees Louis on the other side, rubbing his back gently as Louis cries into his shoulder.

“Why the _fuck_ would he even suggest that?” Louis asks, slightly taken back from the crack in his voice. It’s been months since he’s cried over Harry like this, at least while he’s been sober. He’s done a pretty damn good job of pretending his heart wasn’t broken anymore, of pretending he’d finally gotten over the past three years of being in love, but it took a four minute demo to completely ruin him and bring him back to the heart shattering feeling he had ten months ago.

Zayn sighs. “I don’t know, Lou. But if you don’t want it, none of us are gonna agree to it.”

Louis nods before frowning slightly. A big part of him knows this is the easiest choice he has to make. All he has to do is say no and he’ll never have to hear that song again. He’ll never have to _sing_ that song. 

Then again, there’s the smaller part of him that wants to say yes. The part that wants to prove to Harry that this doesn’t affect him anymore, that he can sing about his ex-boyfriend breaking his heart with a single tear falling down his cheek. 

It’s the tiniest part in him, yet it seems to be the one screaming the loudest. He might regret this decision in the future, hell, he almost regrets it now, but he knows it’s one that he has to make. He can’t let Harry have the upperhand here. 

“No. No, we can do it,” he finds himself saying, pulling away from Zayn and wiping his eyes quickly. “I’ll do the song.”

Zayn stares at him, slightly worried before nodding slowly. “You sure?”

“Positive,” Louis replies immediately. He’s gonna hate himself for this, but it’ll be good for him in the long run. He was sure of it.

He steps in front of the mirror and cleans himself up, wiping any stray tears and fixing his hair as best as he can. He was gonna be fine. This was one song out of who knows how many others. This would be over in no time and he was gonna be okay.

He takes a deep breath before following Zayn out of the room and back into the studio with the other boys. He avoids eye contact with Harry and leans against the wall, looking at Liam and Niall. “Are we gonna record it, then?”

Niall and Liam exchange a glance before looking at Zayn, who just shrugs and sits down in one of the chairs.

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Harry’s expression settled somewhere in between confused and taken back, which makes Louis feel the tiniest bit better about this entire situation. He wouldn’t let Harry have the upperhand anymore, not after all this time. It was his turn to be on top, to not feel like he was falling and losing everything at once. 

“One comment, though,” Louis says, this time standing straight and staring right at Harry. “It’s a bit boring as a slow song. That’s what everyone’s gonna expect. It should be upbeat. Take them by surprise when they realize what the lyrics are.”  
  


Harry stares at him, slightly stunned by how blunt his feedback is, but nods slowly. Louis glances over at Zayn, who looks as smug as Louis feels. He smiles slightly, holding his hand out for the music sheet.

Harry hands him a copy, staying silent as Louis looks over the page. “How are we splitting it?” He feels all the boys staring at him, but he does his best to push that feeling away, reading through the verses. He looks up at Harry again and raises an eyebrow. “Well?”

Zayn snorts and sits up straight, smiling when Harry shoots him a look. 

“Right, well, I was thinking-”

“Niall should start it,” Louis interrupts, handing the sheet to Niall. Niall raises an eyebrow, glancing between Louis and Harry before grabbing it. Louis looks back at Harry and raises an eyebrow. “Think you can figure out something more up-beat for it?”

Harry nods slowly, surprised at how easy it’d been for Louis to take control of _his_ song. Louis catches Zayn and Liam exchanging amused glances as Harry sits back down beside Julian and starts going back over the song’s tempo.

Louis smiles, sitting beside Zayn and watching as Julian sends Niall into the studio and tells him to grab his guitar.

Zayn looks over at Louis and pats his shoulder. “You are something else, Tommo.”

“So I’ve been told,” Louis says, grinning and pulling his phone out. He glances up at Harry again and shakes his head, staring back down at his phone.

* * *

It was rare they ever got genuine breaks from tour, so Louis revels in them whenever he’s given the opportunity. While most of breaks are spent in bed, either getting high with Zayn or binging his latest trashy guilty pleasure, he prides himself in being productive _sometimes_. 

The sometimes in this case means going to his mother’s wedding and leaving it at that.

Louis glances at Eleanor while they’re in the car, fixing his hair in the reflection of the window. “I don’t really think this was necessary for my mum’s wedding.”

Eleanor doesn’t look at him, instead keeps her eyes on her phone and sighs. “Your mum asked me to be her maid of honor. Because contrary to your behavior, some people in this family are nice to me.” She puts her phone in her purse and looks to Louis, who’s rolling his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

He sighs and holds his phone out, showing a message from Zayn.

**_From: Z, 12:32 pm_ **

_‘Won’t be able to make it. Stupid camping thing with Pez, sorry bro!’_

“So there’s that.” He shakes his head, putting his phone away and fixing his hair in the rear view mirror. Satisfied, he opens the car door and steps out, looking up and hesitating before immediately getting back in the car. “What the _fuck_ ,” he mutters, crouching down and glancing out the window.

Eleanor stares at him, then looks out the window and frowns. “Harry’s here?”

Harry’s here. Of-fucking-course he is.

Louis groans and goes to run his fingers through his hair before remembering he has it done. Sighing loudly, he fumbles with his jacket and looks back out the window. “Why me.”

He knows why he’s here. He knows his mum didn’t just invite him for shits and giggles. Harry was here because the other boys were here and because their mums were still friends, so as much as Louis hated having to look across the room the whole day and see his cheating ex-boyfriend staring back at him, he was just going to have to deal with it. On any other occasion he would throw a fit, tell Harry to fuck off, but he had promised Jay that he would be on his best behavior, so here he is. Pretending he’s perfectly okay with all of this when he’d rather crawl into a hole and die.

Louis stares out the window and waits until Harry’s out of sight, getting out the car slowly and straightening out his suit. He can’t let this ruin his mum’s day. It was herwedding, and there was absolutely _no way_ he was going to fuck this up for her. If he had to suck it up and be in the same vicinity as Harry for the next few hours, then so be it. He can do this.

He walks into the room where his mum is waiting for him with Eleanor trailing off somewhere him, smiling when he sees her in her dress and hugging her tightly. “You look gorgeous, mum,” he says, all his focus moving off of Harry being here and onto his mum and the wedding day.

Jay smiles and kisses his cheek. “You always clean up so well, Poppet.” Louis smiles.

“Always for you.” Here he is, being a giant mother’s boy, as per usual. He can’t help it. “Where are the girls hiding, then?” He asks, looking around for his sisters. 

“I’m sure they’re off somewhere. Lottie and Fiz are probably with Lou. The twins could be anywhere.”

He nods and sits down in one of the chairs, watching his mum get ready and smiling to himself. He forgets how everything was starting to go wrong; how Zayn wasn’t going to show up and Harry was outside just waiting to run into Louis at any given moment. All of his worries disappear in this second, just seeing how happy his mum was right this minute.

“So I’m sure you saw…”Jay starts. Louis smiles gently and shrugs.

“It’s your wedding, mum. I’m not going to throw a fit on your day. I can be civil for this,” he responds, to which she smiles and goes to sit beside him.

“I know. You’ve never disappointed me.”

Louis wants to tell her that she’s wrong, that he’s been disappointing her all this time. That she raised him to be his own person and he’s been losing himself for almost a year now. He’s never had the chance to figure out who he was without Harry, who he could be. Twenty-two years old and he’s only just now starting to figure out who he was outside of his relationship. She should be disappointed in him, she taught him better than this.

There was a time where he imagined himself being in his mum’s position right now. Being hours away from his own wedding, getting ready with his family fawning over him the whole time. He thought about it daily, always imagining that it’d be Harry standing at the altar with him. They had talked about getting married constantly. Having a family. It was always their plan. 

Jay rests a hand on his shoulder and he visibly relaxes, looking over at her. “Relax, Lou. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

Louis nods and leans back into the seat, playing with the buttons on his suit jacket as his mum gets back up. He looks up when he hears the door open, raising an eyebrow when Lottie and Eleanor come in. Lottie looks over at Louis and smiles, but he feels part of it is apologetic. He hates that he’s going to be getting pity stares from his family the whole day.

“Hey, about time you showed up,” she says to him, sitting beside him. Louis rolls his eyes and flips her off when Jay turns to talk to Eleanor. 

“I’m not even late. I’m perfectly on time.” 

“Sure. Let’s say that,” she grins and Louis shoves her shoulder playfully. This is all he needs right now, to be surrounded by his family and distracted from everything else falling to pieces around him.

“Why don’t you two go say hi to everyone while I finish getting ready,” Jay says to them, giving Louis a certain look. He stares at her for a moment and frowns before getting pulled up by Lottie. He can’t tell if she’s surprisingly strong or if he’s surprisingly light. 

Louis rolls his eyes, but holds his hand out for Eleanor and follows Lottie back outside where their friends and family were waiting. He makes sure to stop and grab a drink on the way, he’s sure he’s going to need it.

The next hour or so is filled with Louis and Eleanor avoiding the usual questions about when they’re going to tie the knot themselves. The answer is typically nervous laughter from Louis as he downs more of his wine, Eleanor being the one to say that they’re not quite there yet. She’s always been better at lying than he is.

“I forgot how long these things were,” Louis mutters to Eleanor, his eyes darting around the room to make sure they’re clear of any oblivious family members gearing up to ask when they were going to have kids of their own. After two years, you would assume Louis has learned to give straight answers to these questions by now, but they still take him by surprise each and every time.

“Only an hour until the ceremony, at least,” she responds, smiling and waving at one of Louis’ aunts as she walks by. He’s constantly impressed at how good she’s always been at all of this. There’s no way he would be able to do any of this faking bullshit without her.

Louis sighs and stands up, making his way back over to the drink table and grabbing another glass. He goes to turn back around, only to bump into someone beside him. He quickly holds out his glass and applauds himself from avoiding a major spill an hour before he was meant to be standing in front of all of his friends and family. 

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t-” he starts, looking up and trailing off when he sees Harry standing in front of him. Fuck. This was the exact thing he was avoiding.

“Nice reflexes,” Harry says, smiling. Louis’ mouth is open, but nothing’s coming out. It’s been a while since he’s stood this close to Harry, especially without the other boys around. “Would hate to spill red wine right before the wedding.”

“I- Yeah,” Louis agrees, setting his glass down and nodding slowly. “Mum would kill me.” 

“We both know she wouldn’t.”

Louis smiles slightly. “Maybe not. But she wouldn’t be happy.” He notices Eleanor staring at him from across the room, raising an eyebrow at him. He gives her a slightly panicked look before he looks back up at Harry. “I should probably- Um-”

“Harry, hey,” Eleanor says as she walks up to the two of them, standing beside Louis and looping her arm in his. While Louis and Eleanor had been friendly to each other over the past couple of years, Harry and Eleanor have never gotten along. Since day one. Louis vividly recalls a seventeen-year-old Harry glaring at Eleanor the minute she walked into the room, deciding from that point on that she would always be the enemy. From then, it’s early been dirty looks and insults under his breath whenever she's around.

Harry looks at her and purses his lips, as if he was trying to hold something back. “Eleanor,” he says, giving a faux smile and grabbing a glass of wine from the table. “Maid of honour. Congrats.”

“Oh, yeah. I know. Was really surprised that Jay asked me,” Eleanor says, putting on the voice that Louis recognizes as the one she uses whenever she wants to be a bitch but she can’t. He smiles and stays quiet, deciding to just let this play out.

“That makes two of us,” Harry replies, taking a sip from his glass and looking at Louis. “I’ll see you, Louis.” 

Louis sighs as Harry leaves, looking at Eleanor. “Thanks for that.”

“Always. I may not be Zayn, but I can at least be second best.”

Louis smiles and grabs his glass again, shaking his head and walking with Eleanor back to their table.

* * *

Louis loses Eleanor to his sisters immediately after the ceremony, leaving him to his own devices during the reception. He finds himself checking his phone periodically, hoping there’d be a text from Zayn saying that he was on his way to save him from making shitty decisions. Only, there’s nothing each time.

He’s been drinking a fair amount throughout the day, but with Eleanor away from him now, there’s been no one to tell him that maybe he shouldn’t grab another drink from the bar. Maybe he shouldn’t cloud his judgement while he’s within a ten foot radius of his ex-boyfriend.

Swirling his straw in his drink, Louis sighs, resting his head in his hand and watching as everyone else is dancing and enjoying themselves. In theory he has a date, but in reality he was alone. Everyone else came with somebody they care about, meanwhile he was stuck with his fake girlfriend, who wasn’t even with him right now. So really, he was alone on all bases, fake or real.

He feels someone sit beside him, to which he sits up and turns around. Only, it’s Harry who sat beside him and that’s the last person he wants to see right now. He didn’t need to have him right there while he was slightly drunk and emotional. 

“You look like you’re having fun,” Harry says, glancing at the drink that Louis is still stirring. 

“Oh absolutely. I’m the life of the party,” Louis replies, grabbing his glass and pretending to toast before drinking from it. “Surprised you’re not out there charming everyone who looks your way.” He meant that to be a joke, but once he says it, he realizes how harsh it sounds. “I didn’t mean-”

Harry laughs softly and shakes his head. “I know what you meant.” He always knows what Louis means.

“Of course you do.” Louis smiles and puts his glass back down. “So why are you here?”

“Your mum invited me?”

Louis scoffs, leaning back in his chair. “I mean why are you _here_. Sitting next to me.”

This hasn’t happened in months. There hasn’t been a moment where Louis and Harry were alone together at all this entire tour, never giving them the chance to actually speak to one another. Not that it’s something Louis wants. 

He’s been afraid of what would happen the minute him and Harry were alone together, especially after the chaos that was last year’s Halloween party. A part of him wants to believe that after almost eight months, he’d be able to control his emotions around Harry when no one else was around. Usually, Zayn was always there to make sure he didn’t do or say anything dumb, but this time it was just him and his own conscience keeping him from doing or saying anything that he might regret. He’s not confident that he trusts himself enough for this not to go wrong.

Harry bites his lip and leans slightly forward, talking quieter than he was previously. “I miss you, Louis. And I don’t mean being together, which I do, but I mean I miss us being friends. The minute I lost you was the minute I lost my best friend and I can’t stop hating myself for it.”

Louis stares at him, tracing his fingers along the lace of the table cloth and swallowing hard. He can’t say there wasn’t a part of him that didn’t feel the same. Him and Harry have always had this sort of closeness that he’s never felt with anyone else, not even with Zayn. They’ve always said that they were best friends before anything else, but it hasn’t felt like that in almost a year. Harry’s felt more like a stranger than anything and he’s sure it goes both ways.

After everything that happened last year, he feels like he’s never really known Harry in the way he thought he did. Maybe when they were teenagers, but now that they’re older it just feels like they’re two different people and they were just expecting each other to stay the same their whole lives. Louis isn’t sure what he was expecting while they were together. They were so young when they met and Louis was the only person that Harry’s ever been with. Up until last year, that is. 

People change.

“I’m not asking for things to go back to how they used to, but...Baby steps, Lou,” Harry says, his eyes pleading for Louis to agree. 

Louis avoids eye contact, his gaze redirecting itself to his place card on the table in front of him. He knows he’ll give in the minute he looks back at him, only he was sure if he was ready to do this yet. He should have expected that the cliche _“can we be friends?”_ part of the breakup would be coming around soon, but he isn’t prepared for what his answer was supposed to be. Where the fuck was Zayn when he needed him?

Louis bites his lip, slowly meeting Harry’s eyes again and sighing in defeat. “Okay. Baby steps.” He hates himself. So fucking much.

Harry smiles. “Really?” 

_No._ “Yeah,” Louis says, against his better judgement. He can only imagine how much shit Zayn was going to give him for this once he finds out what he’s done. 

Right now, though, he’s caught up in the way Harry’s smiling at him. He hasn’t realized how much he’s missed it until this very second. He could sit here for hours, lost in Harry’s eyes and laughter. 

This was dangerous. Louis already knows he was going to regret this later, but he can’t bring himself to care.

* * *

“You did _what_?” Zayn asks as he walks through Louis’ front door, though Louis is sure it’s more rhetorical than anything.

“We’re just gonna be _friends,”_ Louis said, shutting the door and leaning against it. “Friends. For the sake of the band.” That was what him and Harry had agreed on, saying that it was best if they could at least try to to get along again. People were going to notice the tension between them eventually, and not in a good way.

Zayn crosses his arms and stares at him. Louis can feel the disappointment from where he was standing, refusing to look him in the eyes. He had called and caught Zayn up to speed on what happened at the wedding a week later, which led to Zayn making his way to Louis’ to ask him if he was _out of his fucking mind._

“So you expect me to believe that you’re just gonna magically be friends with the guy who cheated on and lied to you?” 

Louis sighs, not responding. That was a valid point, but he didn’t want to accept it. As much as he thought he had grown to be okay on his own, he knows that deep down he needs Harry around him in _some_ way. Maybe not romantically, but he was okay with just friends. They’d been best friends since they first met on X-Factor and something like that just doesn’t go away easily. 

“Louis,” Zayn says, running a hand through his hair. “Are we forgetting what the past year has been? You look like you want to cry whenever he so much as walks into the same room. He’s taken every opportunity since to _belittle_ you and make you feel like you’ve been the one in the wrong. You really want to go back to being friends with him? Just like that?”

“No,” Louis says, looking up at him. “I don’t expect us to go back to being friends with a snap of my fingers, but we have to start _somewhere_.”

“Why?” Zayn asks. Louis doesn’t have an answer. “Why does it matter? We’re trying to _leave,_ Louis _._ So why does it matter if you and Harry are friends or not?”

“It just does, Zayn. It matters to me.”

Zayn stays quiet and Louis avoids eye contact again, though he can feel Zayn’s eyes burning into him. He knew this wouldn’t go over well with him, but he didn’t think it’d be this big of a deal. It’s not like him and Harry were getting back together. He wasn’t stupid enough to do something like that. 

“Alright,” Zayn says, sighing. “If you’re gonna do this then I’ll stand behind you. But the minute he says something dumb I’ll fuck him up.”

Louis smiles slightly and nods, looking back up at him. “If he does, then I’ll let you.” Zayn shakes his head and sighs again, crossing his arms.

“This is what I get for leaving you alone.”

“Still pissed at you for that, by the way,” Louis tells him, standing up straight and making his way to the kitchen. He grabs a soda from the fridge and tosses one to Zayn as he walks in behind him. “My mum is _definitely_ pissed at you for it.”

Zayn sits on the counter and smiles apologetically. “M’sorry. It was last minute, I didn’t know I had to go.”

“You’re lucky El was there.”

“Obviously not lucky enough.”

Louis makes a disgruntled sound. Fair play. He knows that Zayn’s going to hate every part of this, but there’s only so much he can do now. 

* * *

Louis finds it strange, at first, talking to Harry like nothing ever happened. There should be some sort of rule book on how you should communicate with your ex when you decide it’s the right time to be friends again. Instead, Louis is left completely to his own devices with this, which he has no _fucking_ idea what to do.

This was the one time he couldn’t ask Zayn for help, because he knows Zayn still doesn’t approve of any of this. None of it. Louis knows why, but he wishes he didn’t have to feel like he was hiding all of this from him.

It only starts to feel normal when they’re towards the end of the tour, Louis finally being able to be in the same room with Harry without getting an anxious feeling at the pit of his stomach. Granted, he is still staying glued to Zayn’s side the entire time, but his and Harry’s texting conversations have turned into a regular thing again. 

“Mm, texting your boyfriend?” Zayn asks when he gets on the bus, glancing at Louis who was sitting on the sofa. Louis glances up from his phone and flips him off.

“Sound jealous.”

“Now why would I be jealous?” 

Louis shrugs, tossing his phone on the pillow beside him and sitting up. “I promise, you still get most of my attention,” he replies, smiling. Zayn holds his hands to his heart and feigns gratitude, to which Louis rolls his eyes and throws a pillow at him. “Asshole.”

Zayn laughs and shrugs his jacket off, grabbing a soda from the fridge and tossing one to Louis before sitting beside him. 

“You two have been texting a lot, though. Take it that the whole being friends thing is working out?”

Louis nods, glancing at his phone when he hears it vibrate next to him. Zayn snorts, grabbing Louis’ phone before he even has the chance to reach for it. 

“Zayn-”

“Jesus, do you two ever _not_ text? Being on stage doesn’t count.”

“Now you’re just being dramatic,” Louis says, reaching over and snatching his phone from Zayn. Okay, maybe him and Harry _have_ been talking a lot more, but it’s only because they had so much lost time to get back from the past nine months that they weren’t properly speaking to each other. That’s it. 

Zayn raises an eyebrow, sitting back and shaking his head. “Look, I accept that you two are trying to be friends again, but Lou… Don’t do something you’ll regret.”

Louis puts his phone back down and stares at him. “Like what?”

“You know what. He’s not going to change. People like him don’t change. He wasn’t sorry because he did it, he was sorry because he _got caught_.”

They’ve had this conversation before, back when Louis and Harry had broken up. He knows that Zayn’s right and he _hates_ it, because somewhere in his mind he thinks that there’s the slightest possibility that him and Harry can get back together and go back to the way they were. He hates himself for even wanting that to happen. He knows he deserves better than what he got, but he can’t _help_ but miss the way things used to be. Sure, Harry broke his heart, but everything before that was _so fucking good_ and that’s the part he wants back.

This goes to show how vulnerable he truly was. He never thought he’d be the person who was so needy for someone else’s validation, but here he is. Hoping to god that his ex-boyfriend may possibly still want him. He deserves better, he knows that, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants better.

“Please don’t tell me you’ve _actually_ considered getting back together with him. Louis.”

Louis stares at his phone, not saying anything. He can’t lie to Zayn, even if he tried. Zayn would call him out on his bullshit in an instant. 

Zayn sits up and stares at him in disbelief. “Louis, what the fuck? After everything he did to you? You’d just go running back to him?”

“It’s complicated, Zayn-”

“No- It’s not fucking complicated. He cheated on you, made you feel like absolute shit for everything you did because you left him for it. He’s been acting like a toddler because you actually held him accountable for his actions. You’re gonna go back to that? _Really?_ ”

Louis swallows and covers his face with his hands, trying to keep himself from tearing up. He knows how shitty this all sounds, the last thing he needs is Zayn repeating it all to him. He _wishes_ he didn’t want Harry like this, he really does, but he can’t help the way he feels. When you spend the most important years of your life with someone, it never goes away, no matter how much he wishes it would. 

“For fucks sake, Lou,” Zayn mutters, standing up and running a hand through his hair in frustration. “Please don’t do it. You deserve so much better.”

“I’m not gonna do it,” Louis says, though he’s not entirely convinced himself. It’s enough to calm Zayn down for now, though, as he sits back down beside him and sighs. “I know what I deserve.” He hopes if he says it out loud that he’ll mean it. 

Zayn looks at him. “I hope you do. Because the last thing I need is seeing my best friend getting hurt by the same asshole twice.”

Louis sighs, leaning back into the sofa. “I know. Okay? I know.” This answer seems to be enough, as Zayn sits back down and reaches over to rest a hand on his thigh. Louis glances over at him and bites his lip, smiling softly. He knows that Zayn means well and just wants to protect him. That’s how it’s been since they met. Part of him just wishes that he would tell him what he wants to hear sometimes, instead of what he needs. 

* * *

**_From: Harry, 2:05 am_ **

_‘can we talk?’_

Louis stares at the message on his phone, biting down on his bottom lip and glancing across at Zayn’s closed off bunk. He went to sleep an hour ago, Louis knows because he had dropped a bottle when he went to get water and Zayn didn’t make a sound. 

He can sneak out and see Harry if he wants. Just to see what he wants to talk about. Louis’s sure it’s not special, just your average conversation between two people who most certainly don’t still have feelings for each other. They’re friends. Just friends. Why would it be about anything else? People can have normal conversations in person at two in the morning.

As quietly as he can manage, he slips out of his bunk and throws on one of his hoodies. It might be Zayn’s. He doesn’t know whose is what anymore. 

Louis texts Harry back asking what his room is, making his way into the hotel and up to the room once he gets a message back. He knocks gently, biting his lip nervously and stepping back slightly when he hears Harry open the door.

It’s silent between the two of them for a minute, Louis eventually letting out a breath he doesn’t remember holding. 

“Hi,” he says, shoving his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. 

Harry smiles slightly. He looks tired, Louis can tell. “Hey. You came.” 

Louis nods and goes quiet again. This didn’t feel like your normal, friendly conversation. This felt awkward and tense, like this was going somewhere he didn’t want this to go. He doesn’t know what he’s doing here. He should’ve never come, this was a _mistake._

“You can- Come in,” Harry fumbles over his words, moving to the side so Louis can enter the room. For as long as Louis’ known him, Harry’s never been a messy person. He’s always kept everything neat and organized, knowing where it should all be placed.

His room was _not_ neat and organized right now. Louis can spot clothing draping over chairs in the room, with Harry’s suitcase still open in one of the corners. 

Harry shuts the door behind them and walks further into the room, grabbing a t-shirt and tossing it towards his suitcase. Louis watches and raises an eyebrow, staring at Harry and trying to figure out who was standing in front of him. This is the closest they’ve been to each other in months, yet somehow it’s the furthest Louis’ ever felt from him. 

“I’ve been thinking…” He starts, trailing off. Louis leans against the wall, watching as he runs a hand through his hair and sits on the edge of his bed. “I can’t do this anymore, Louis. I can’t sit and pretend that I’m okay with us being just friends when we used to be so much more.”

Louis sucks in a breath and swallows. Here it is. 

“I need you. So fucking much. I know I fucked up, I know I broke your heart, but I _promise_ you that I’d never do something like that to you again,” Harry pleads, running a hand over his face and standing up again.

“Harry-“

“Louis, please. I’ll do anything if it means having you back again. Having us.”

Louis takes a deep breath and stands up straight. This isn’t fair. _None_ of this is fair. Harry’s not allowed to put him in this position. It’s been a year since everything happened and he’s been slowly but surely getting over it. All this is doing now is bringing him right back to the start.

“You can’t do this,” he mutters, running a hand through his hand and over his face.”You _can’t_! After everything… Fuck you, Harry. This is so unfair.”

Harry stares at him, stepping towards him and reaching out to touch his arm. Louis backs away from his touch, avoiding his gaze. He doesn’t want to do this right now. He wasn’t ready to have this conversation with him yet. As much as he hates admitting it, his heart was still fragile and he’s so fucking afraid that any little thing will break it into a million pieces again.

He hates that Harry seems to have this power over him. That all it takes is a look or a touch and Louis is back to where he was almost a year ago. He’s spent too much time trying to reclaim himself and his heart to end up back here. Back in front of Harry Styles, being the vulnerable mess that he was when he found out he was cheating on him. The only difference between then and now is that Louis already knows what hurt and betrayal feels like, and he never wants to go through anything like that again. 

“I can’t,” Louis says softly, backing up more. Harry frowns and follows him, trying to reach for him again. “No- I _can’t_. You ruined me once, Harry, and I can’t give you the opportunity to do it again. I-” Louis swallows and turns around, opening the door to leave. He’s stopped by Harry grabbing his arm and pulling him back towards him, the taller boy leaning down to kiss Louis quickly.

Louis does the last thing he ever thought he was capable of and pulls away immediately. He quickly collects himself and frowns, reaching forward and slapping Harry before he can realize exactly what he was doing.

Though he's taken back, he keeps his cool and steps back. “Don’t touch me. Don’t- Don’t talk to me. Just- Don’t, Harry.” He turns back around and leaves back down the hallway.

He should be proud of himself for handling this the way he did. Zayn would be proud of him.

Only all he can feel is guilt, because with each step he takes back to the tour bus, the idea of getting back together with Harry weighs heavier on his mind. Almost as if it’s what he wants.

Is it?

* * *

Going straight into album promotion after a tour was always so draining. It was always one or two weeks of proper sleep and rest, then _go go go_ for a month before the album came out. 

Louis feels exhausted, but he doesn’t know if it has anything to do with the lack of sleep or with the fact that he feels like he’s pushing off a decision he knows he needs to make.

Ever since the night in Harry’s hotel room, he can’t help but constantly wonder if he really, truly wanted to get back together with him. Every time he tells himself no, there’s a small part that reminds him of how good they used to be and how much they had to look forward to when they were together. Then again, everytime he says yes, he thinks about everything that Zayn’s told him about deserving better. He knows he does, but he doesn’t if that’s what he wants. 

Louis sits up in bed, glancing over at his phone when he hears the sound of Zayn’s ringtone going off. He sighs, sliding to answer the call and putting it on speaker. “What?”

“I’m outside, asshole. Let me in,” Zayn replies, and Louis suddenly realizes the doorbell has been going off for the past five minutes. Was he that caught up in his own head?

“I- Right. I’ll be right down,” Louis replies, hanging up the phone and getting out of bed. He pulls on a pair of sweatpants that are laying beside his bed and runs a hand through his seemingly fucked up hair, going down to the front door and opening it.

“Wow, you look like absolute shit,” is the first thing Zayn says when he sees him. “The hell’s wrong with you? Surely we haven’t been _that_ overworked yet.”

Louis rolls his eyes and steps to the side to let Zayn in. “Just having a hard time sleeping lately.”

“Have you now?” Zayn asks, turning around when Louis shuts the door to face him. “You gonna tell me why?’

Louis really doesn’t want to.

“Dunno why. Just can’t,” he lies, walking past Zayn and into the kitchen. Zayn follows behind him, crossing his arms over his chest and raising an eyebrow.

“That’s bullshit. Don’t lie to me.”

Louis wears under his breath. Of course Zayn has to be the other person in the world besides his mum that can tell he’s lying. He needs to stop spending so much time around him. All it’s doing is giving away his tells.

He grabs a box of cereal and a bowl from the cupboards, biting his lip and doing his best to avoid looking at Zayn. “I went to Harry’s room a few weeks ago. When we were still on tour.”

“Why?”

“He said he wanted to talk to me.”

Zayn scoffs and leans against the counter. Louis can feel his eyes watching him as he moves around the kitchen. “About what?” He asks. Louis doesn’t say anything, grabbing his kettle and filling it with water. Zayn frowns and stands up straight, stepping towards Louis. “About _what,_ Louis?”

Louis bites his lip and sets the kettle to boil on the stove, reaching up into one of the other cabinets and grabbing a mug. His hand lingers over the one that has the _‘H’_ on the front of it for a moment before grabbing one of the others.

“He wanted to get back together,” he mumbles, going to grab the milk from the fridge.

“And you told him to go fuck himself, right?” 

“I slapped him,” Louis says quietly, pouring his bowl of cereal and grabbing a spoon from the dishwasher. 

Zayn tilts his head slightly and stares at him. “Then why do you sound so guilty?”

Louis swallows and doesn’t say anything, leaning against the counter and staring down at his bowl as he eats slowly. He doesn’t want to tell Zayn that he’s spent the last month or so contemplating if he should get back together with the same person who took his trust and destroyed every bit that he had. 

“Louis.”

“I think I want to give him another chance,” he says quickly, but not quickly enough to stop Zayn from understanding exactly when he just said. He can tell from the look on Zayn’s face that he heard every word and was trying to figure out why the _hell_ Louis had even spoken that entire sentence to him. 

It stays quiet in the room for the next couple of minutes, the only sound being emitted from the kettle as the water begins to boil. Louis slowly turns the stove off, still refusing to look at Zayn as he sets his bowl down and goes to pour the water into his mug. He wishes Zayn would say something, anything, just so that he could feel less like shit than he does right now. 

He feels like he’s just stabbed Zayn in the back with a single sentence. From the looks of it, Zayn must be feeling the same way.

“What the _fuck_ do you mean?” Zayn asks, taking another step towards Louis. “You really want to get back together with him? After all the progress you’ve made?”

“What progress have I made, Zayn? You mean the fact that instead of being dependent on him, that I’m dependent on you?” Louis snaps, turning around and finally making eye contact with him. He feels guilty as soon as he does.

“Are you kidding me?” Zayn says, shaking his head. “I’m the one whose been there for you, Louis. I’m the one who's been picking up the pieces that asshole left behind, because that’s what friends do for each other. Friends take _care_ of each other.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“Yeah, you did. You meant it. You’re dependent on me.” Zayn swallows. “I’m sorry you feel that way. Here, I’ll leave and then you can go ahead and make your own fucking decisions like the adult that you are. I’m done babysitting you if you’re just gonna make shitty choices anyways.”

“Zayn, _please,_ ” Louis pleads, grabbing Zayn’s hand. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Zayn pulls his hand away and shakes his head, laughing softly. “You know what’s funny is…A part of me thought that with everything we’ve been doing, all the hints I’ve been dropping, that maybe you and I could have…” he trails off, staring up at the ceiling and sighing. “Fuck it. I shouldn’t have said anything. Bye, Louis.”

He grabs his keys from off the counter and turns around, leaving the kitchen. Louis stays silent, flinching slightly when he hears the front door slam shut. Zayn hates him now, which is just perfect, considering he hates himself just as much. 

* * *

It’s over a week that Zayn spends ignoring Louis, and it feels like the longest week that Louis’ spent this whole year. He’s gotten so used to always having Zayn beside him at all times that he doesn’t know what to do with himself anymore. 

The last thing he wants to do is get up at five in the morning to spend the whole day doing album release promo. Especially when things are now tense between not only him and Harry, but now him and Zayn. It’s just going to be a whole day of pretending like everything’s fine, when all he really wants to do is lay in bed all day and act as though none of his real world problems can get to him. 

Eventually, he’s dragged out of his room and through wardrobe before being escorted to Universal Studios with the rest of the boys. That’s excluding Zayn, though, which Louis has no idea where the hell he is.

From the frantic looks on their team’s faces as they get ready to go live. He can safely assume that no one else knows where he is either. He glances around before taking his phone out of his pocket, opening his messages to Zayn and biting his lip. Hesitating, he types out a quick text and hits send, watching his screen in hopes of any sign of life from Zayn.

**_To: Zayn, 6:24 am_ **

_‘where the fuck are you? we have the today show in half an hour.’_

Nothing. 

Louis sighs and puts his phone away, deciding Zayn will reply when he does. If he does. Regardless, Louis can’t stand around staring at his phone all day, just waiting to see if Zayn will either miraculously show up and text him back.

He looks up when he hears someone from their team call his name, shaking his head and making his way over to where he’s meant to be standing. 

Waiting until their next break, he grabs his phone and checks for any new messages, frowning slightly when he only sees one from his mum. Great. They’re almost an hour into the show and nothing from Zayn. 

Louis types out another message quickly, sending it off before putting his phone away and walking back towards where the other boys are standing. 

**_To: Zayn, 7:48 am_ **

_‘real fucking mature. answer your phone. team’s pissed.’_

Niall shoots him a worried look from across the line, to which Louis just shrugs and smiles slightly. He wishes he had an answer for everybody, but he's just as clueless as everyone else was. It kills him to admit it, but right now, Zayn clearly doesn’t want anything to do with him.

He sighs and looks at one of their team members, grabbing her attention before mouthing ‘ _Z’s sick’_. Silent treatment or not, he’s not gonna let Zayn get his ass handed to him because he made him feel like shit. 

**_To: Zayn, 9:37 am_ **

_‘c’mon . i’m worried about you. told everyone you weren’t feeling well.’_

  
  


**_To: Zayn, 1:54 pm_ **

_‘you have to answer one of us’_

  
  


**_To: Zayn, 8:22 pm_ **

_‘just let me know that you’re okay’_

  
  


**_To: Zayn, 11:19 pm_ **

_‘i’m sorry’_

* * *

Louis doesn’t see Zayn again until they’re in Australia for the Arias. It’s when he leaves his room that he spots Zayn going into his from the corner of his eye, the two of them hesitating before making eye contact with each other.

Okay, Louis hates this. Him and Zayn have gotten into fights before, but they’ve never gone on this long. It’s usually always petty arguments that they get over in less than an hour, usually because one of them forgot what the hell the fight was even about in the first place.

This, though, Louis couldn’t forget. The way that Zayn had admitted that he was hoping the two of them would become something more than friends was replaying in his head almost every day. He can’t say that he hasn’t considered it, wondering what things would be like if he ended up with Zayn instead of Harry after all this time. 

In the four years that Louis’ known Zayn, he’s never looked at him as anything more than his best friend. Even throughout the past few months of whatever it is that they’ve doig with each other. 

“Louis,” Zayn says, which takes Louis by surprise. He didn’t expect Zayn to even acknowledge his existence this whole weekend, let alone actually speak to him. “Thanks for covering. For the Orlando thing. Lessened the blow when management got a hold of me.”

Louis smiles softly, nodding. “Of course bro.”

Neither of them say anything else, opting for just standing awkwardly in the hallway because they’re both too nervous and afraid of the other’s reaction to anything they do or say.

“Look,” Louis starts, biting the bullet. “I know I said something shitty and maybe I made a shitty decision, but I miss you. And I’m sorry for making you feel like you were a burden on me. You were never, Zee. I needed you around and I’m so glad you were.”

Zayn stares at him and bites his lip, smiling. “I miss you, too. Have no one else to complain to about the shit they’re putting us through.”

Louis laughs and shrugs. “Liam?”

“Absolutely not,” Zayn says. “Have you ever tried complaining about anything to him? It turns into a grateful speech.”

“Fair enough,” Louis replies, fumbling with the keycard in his hand. 

Listen, Lou,” Zayn starts, walking towards him. “I’ve been thinking, and it wasn’t fair what I put on you. Whatever decision you make… I’ll be right behind you. Every step of the way.”

Louis looks at him and smiles, feeling like a weight has just been lifted off his shoulders. Without having Zayn around the past few days to talk and rant to, he was only left with himself and his own thoughts to think over if he should or shouldn’t get back together with Harry. Everything seems to point at no, but he can’t help but feel a small part of him tug his towards the voice in his head that’s telling him _yes._

“Thank you,” Louis says, leaning forward and hugging him tightly. That’s all he needed to hear right now, whether it was sincere or not. He just needed some type of validation to get his thoughts somewhat in order. He knows the last thing he can do is ask Zayn to make this decision for him, but just knowing that he’ll still have his best friend around regardless of whether he goes back or not makes him feel a million times better. 

* * *

Louis has spent years convincing everyone around him that he always knew what to do. That he was a leader. Always being the oldest came with a certain responsibility that he felt he had to maintain, which sometimes meant that he never quite focused on himself or what might be best for him. He’s been okay with sacrificing himself for everyone else, as long as it meant that the people he loves will be okay. 

He’s never done anything for himself. Every decision that he’s made has been in the hands of someone else, to either protect or defend someone that he loves. It was about time that he made his own choice and suffered consequences that he brought upon himself. Not because of anyone else. 

This was his choice.

He wishes that this was easier. He wishes that Harry hadn’t put him in this position in the first place. If he would have just left well enough alone, then Louis wouldn’t be sitting in his car overthinking a decision that could make or break him. He should have never gone to see Harry that night at the hotel, but what’s done is done and now he needs to make up his fucking mind.

Did he or did he not want this? Did he or did he not miss the feeling of waking up in the morning and seeing Harry’s mess of curls on the pillow beside him. The feeling he would get when he’d wake up lte in the day and go downstairs to Harry making him breakfast and his tea the way he likes it.

Did he want that back? Was he willing to put his heart and his trust back out on the line just so he could feel that way again?

Louis takes a deep breath and leans back in his seat, counting to three in his head before he gets out of the car and makes his way up to Harry’s door. 

Knocking three times, he steps back and waits quietly, looking up when he hears the door open. Louis bites his lip and smiles slightly when he sees Harry standing in front of him, standing straight and letting out the breath he’s been holding since he got out the car.

“I want to give us another chance,” Louis says, the words falling from his lips before he has the chance to rethink everything he’s decided on his way there. He watches Harry’s eyes widen for a minute before catching himself and moving over to let him in. Louis walks in, shoving his hands in his pockets and glancing around. 

He feels like a stranger in a home he used to feel so familiar with. Though, that’s all him and Harry have been to each other for the past years. Strangers. They’ve both grown from each other in the time that they haven’t been together and it shows. At least, Louis can tell that Harry’s become a different person than he was a year ago. He’s built up more confidence, a little more of an ego. Nevertheless, underneath all of that, Louis could see he was still the geeky and charming teenager that he had fallen in love with years ago. That’s all he needed to see to know that he was making the right choice.

“I thought about it. I want this. I want you,” Louis says again, swallowing hard and making eye contact with Harry as he shuts the door behind them.

Harry doesn’t say anything. Instead, he grabs Louis’ waist and pulls him into him, leaning down to kiss him desperately. Louis doesn’t resist, kissing him back just as eagerly and running his hands through the taller boy’s hair. He wants this. He _needs_ this.

He made the right choice.

* * *

  
  


**2015**

Louis’s not sure how this was allowed, or if it even _was_ allowed at this point, but him and Harry are both already at LAX and there’s no other option than for them to both be on the same flight. It was the first time he’s actually able to be publicly seen with Harry in almost three years. It wasn’t something he was expecting to happen so suddenly, but he won’t be complaining about it. He can only imagine the phone call they’re going to be receiving from their team when this hits social media. 

Although, regardless of the lecture they’re both going to be receiving, he can’t bring himself to care about the consequences that they would have to face. Being able to publicly be seen with Harry in whatever setting was worth any amount of lectures and boring phone calls he’d receive. Besides, it’s not as though it’s the first disapproving thing he’s done to piss off their team. There wasn’t anything in their contracts that stated they weren’t allowed to take a _flight_ together. They were in the same band, after all. It was only a matter of time until they had to do something pertaining to that. 

He rushes past the fans towards where they were meant to go to board their flight, suppressing the urge to catch up to Harry, who was a good few feet ahead of him, and grab his hand out of instinct. Instead, he stays behind with Alberto and Oli and keeps himself quiet as paps and fans hurl questions and comments at him. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason he was nervous right now, but if he had to guess, he’d say it has to do with the flashing lights surrounding him and Harry. 

He hasn’t even thought about the fan reaction as soon as everyone found out, if they hadn’t already. He quickly wonders if there would be articles about it or if their team would be so disapproving that they would blacklist the subject completely and attempt to bury the fact that this ever happened. Then again, he doubts that they would be able to erase every picture and video of him and Harry together at the airport after so long of them not spending _any_ time together. 

Keeping his head down, he follows Harry’s lead to the gate and not looking up until they’re both boarded and seated. Louis sighs and leans his head back on his seat, then looks over at Harry who has a small smile on his face. 

Louis raises an eyebrow, nudging Harry’s shoulder with his own. “What’re you smiling about, then?” he asks. Harry glances over at him and shrugs, the smile on his face only growing bigger. 

“It’s just that, like- I can’t remember the last time we did something like this. Publicly,” he says, running his fingers through his hair. “Forgot how nice it felt.” 

Louis thinks about it for a minute, smiling softly and nodding. It was a strange concept, being closeted for so long and then being able to do something that was unexpected from the both to the public eye. As far as the media and most of their fans knew, they both hated each other. With any luck, this would prove otherwise and things could finally begin to look up for them. 

“Missed it. Missed you,” Louis tells him, leaning over and kissing him softly. He couldn’t begin to describe the serene calm he was beginning to feel now that it was just the two of them, especially given how nervous he had been moments ago. Things finally feel as though they’re at ease and he doesn’t find himself in a constant panic of what anyone is going to think. He’s with Harry, Harry with him and that was all that mattered to him now. 

He pulls away and looks at Harry with a grin on his face, sitting back in his seat and staying quiet. It’s only a few minutes later, when the plane is beginning to take off, that he feels Harry’s fingers interlocking his own. He lets out a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding, glancing out the window as they take off and squeezing Harry’s hand in his own. 

Ten minutes into the flight, he grabs his phone out of his bag, frowning when he sees he has missed text messages and phone calls from Zayn. 

**From: Z, 9:37pm**

_‘bro where are you???’_

**From: Z, 9:43pm**

_‘mgmt’s pissed there’s only one flight left’_

**From: Z, 9:48pm**

_‘louis…...are you at the airport with h???’_

**From: Z, 9:52pm**

_‘answer my messages you asshole where are you’_

**From: Z, 9:59pm**

_‘you’re gonna be in so much shit bro’_

**From: Z, 10:05pm**

_‘CALL ME WHEN YOU LAND’_

Louis bites his lip, putting his phone back to sleep and setting it in his bag. He’d get back to Zayn when they landed and he had the time to. They were going to see each other in however many hours anyways, so it’s not like he’d ignore him for good. Zayn could deal with radio silence on Louis’s end for a bit. 

It’s strange for him to look back to last year’s tour, when he was sharing all of his flights with Zayn instead of Harry. He’s not used to not having Zayn constantly at his side anymore since he’d grown so accustomed to it the year before. It’s not like him and Zayn weren’t close anymore, of course they’d always be, but it’s as though they’ve just resorted back to how they were before Louis and Harry had broken up during Take Me Home. 

He should be lucky that they’re still at that point, considering the series of events that could’ve caused the worst between them. Louis didn’t know how they would end up when Zayn had admitted his feelings for him. He had nearly expected their friendship to crumble and for everything to become awkward between them. The fact that they had been messing around before him and Harry got back together certainly didn’t help subdue Louis’s fears, but thankfully they could move past everything that had happened and continue on with their friendship. 

Louis sighs and leans his head back on the headrest, shutting his eyes. He has fifteen hours on this flight, which means he could either force himself to stay awake the entire time and hate himself during their show the next day, or he could at least _try_ to sleep and convince himself that he’s a responsible member of society. He seems to be leaning towards the second option right now. 

He glances over at Harry before he tries to fall asleep, ready to say something, only to be silenced when he sees Harry has his headphones in and is attempting to do what Louis _should_ be doing. He sees this as a sign and lays back again, putting his headphones in and shutting his eyes before falling asleep. 

* * *

Zayn’s standing outside of Louis and Harry’s hotel room when they finally arrive, leaning against the door and scrolling down through his phone. He glances up when he hears their footsteps coming down the hall and smiles softly as he meets Louis’s eyes, putting his phone in his pocket and pulling him into a tight hug. 

“Nearly missed it, bro,” he tells him, pulling away and shoving Louis’s shoulder playfully. Louis rolls his eyes and swipes the keycard to the room door, opening it and leading Harry and Zayn inside. “You did remember that we have a concert tomorrow, right? I’d have expected this from me.” 

Louis rolls his eyes and throws his bag on the bed, turning around and facing Zayn. He spots Harry rolling his eyes out of the corner of his eyes and he bites his lip, sighing and shaking his head before smiling up at Zayn. “I’m here now, aren’t I?” He sits on the bed beside his bag, pushing his hair back. “For nine whole months. Seven if you don’t include those two months they somehow classify as a break.” 

Zayn laughs and sits beside him, putting an arm over Louis’s shoulders. “Look at it this way, that’s gonna make it five years in a row that we haven’t dropped dead from exhaustion yet.” 

“That, Zayn Malik, is a very good observation,” he says with a grin. Harry clears his throat from behind them and they both turn around, Louis raising an eyebrow. “Hm?” 

“M’gonna go with Liam and Niall to check out the stadium for a bit,” Harry tells him, sliding his phone in his pocket. Louis nods, ignoring how tense the room was beginning to feel. He knows that Zayn and Harry still weren’t exactly on the best terms since everything, but he’d expected at least one of them to try and moved passed it. It wasn’t that he needed them to be the best of friends like how they all had been, but he’d like it to not get to a point where he feels he has to choose between the two of them. As things are, he’s already beginning to feel that way. 

He wouldn’t say that Harry and Zayn hate each other, but it was clear that there was a strong dislike between the two. Zayn blames it on differences in political views, which Louis finds valid, although he can’t help but feel like there could be something deeper than that as well. He won’t press on it for now, if things between them can stay as calm as possible. 

Harry glances between them again before sighing, grabbing his keycard and leaving the room. It’s silent for a few seconds before Zayn looks to Louis and smiles softly. 

“V’been writing more,” he says, deciding not to bring up the obvious tension while Harry had been there. Louis silently appreciates it, tired of having to play peacemaker between the two of them all the time. “Wrote another four or five songs, I think. You can look at them later, if you want to.” 

Louis nods and smiles, wrapping his arm around Zayn’s shoulder. “We’re due for another jam session, bro.” 

Zayn leans into him slightly and grins. “Absolutely. If we don’t die from exhaustion, we can mess around with some shit tonight and see what we can get going.”

“If we haven’t yet, we never will,” Louis says, shoving Zayn playfully before sitting on the edge of the bed and smiling. “Hey, If I don’t die by March, I am only a month away from being officially single in the public eye.”

He lays back and hums happily. Only a month until he and Eleanor will have “broken up”, leaving was less lie he’ll have to live in front of the whole world. It took _months_ of him and Harry arguing with their team for the agreement to happen, but they eventually got what they wanted. Louis Tomlinson will officially be a single man to the media and all of their fans, which is only one step closer to the real goal. One step closer to being with Harry publicly.

“That makes one of us,” Zayn mutters, leaning against the wall. “Maybe they’ll take pity on me and end this thing with Pez.”

“One can only hope, bro,” Louis says, sitting back up. “How about we go see what Australia has to offer us this time around?” Zayn nods, checking the time on his phone before looking over at Louis.

Louis gets up and grabs his wallet from the nightstand, shoving it in his pocket and leading Zayn out the room. Here’s to a fresh start on a new tour.

* * *

Louis gets the message from Zayn twenty minutes after he wakes up. 

**From: Z**

_‘I’m really sorry’_

The Facebook post goes up only ten minutes after and Louis feels his heart beating faster than it ever has before. He rereads the message and the post over and over, one after the other. He thinks over everything, trying to make sense of the situation at hand, but he can’t come up with a solution. The same phrase keeps repeating in his head, nothing he does being able to shake it. 

Zayn left the band. 

He hadn’t expected this the day Zayn told them he needed a short break from the tour. He would have never thought Zayn would leave and never come back. He never thought Zayn would leave without _him._

There’s a knock on his hotel room door ten minutes later and he forces himself out of bed to answer it. Niall and Liam are standing on the other side, Niall instantly pulling Louis into a warm embrace. Louis hugs him back tightly, burying his face into his neck and trying to keep himself from crying. 

He can’t tell if he’s more upset about the fact Zayn left, or that he had no idea that Zayn was going to leave. He feels like he’s been the world’s worst best friend, not even being able to tell when Zayn was ready to go. He thinks back to the last few weeks, months even, but he can’t find anything that would indicate that Zayn was going to be leaving so suddenly. They only had this tour and album left until their contract would be up. He thought Zayn would’ve been able to stick it out with him until then. 

“Are you alright, Lou?” Liam asks from behind Niall. Louis glances at him through his tear-blurred vision, shrugging while still held tight in Niall’s arms. 

He doesn’t know if he’s alright. For the past five years, he’s made it through all of the bullshit that came with being in this band just because he’s had someone like Zayn beside him the whole time. Don’t get him wrong, Harry has _always_ been a great support system for him while they’ve been together, but him and Zayn were different. Their minds worked alike and they understood each other more than the others did. 

Now he doesn’t know what the fuck to do. He should have seen the signs from a mile away. When everything happened in Thailand, he should have known. He should have known the minute that Zayn told him that he needed to take some time off from the tour.

He hates himself for not knowing. 

“He left,” is all Louis can bring himself to say, pulling away from Niall and going to collapse onto his and Harry’s bed. 

Harry. Where’s Harry? He needs him more than anything right now.

Niall sits at the end of Louis’ feet while Liam leans against the wall, both of them looking at Louis with pity. He hates it. He hates people feeling sorry for him.

“We’re gonna figure this out, Lou. Promise,” Niall tells him, patting his back gently. Louis sighs and turns over, glancing at the both of them. He knows this is all just bullshit to make him feel better, but it’s not working. It’s not what he wants to hear.

He wants his best friend back. He doesn’t want to have to do the rest of this alone.

Wiping his eyes again, he grabs his phone. Part of him was hoping he’d see a message from Zayn, telling him this was all a part of some elaborate prank and he was actually on his way back to rejoin the tour now.

Only, there’s nothing but a blank screen staring back at him, the reflection of his tear-stained face taunting him. 

Fuck this year.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on [ twitter](https://twitter.com/bwsxlwt)


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